Unconditional Commitment

One of our most frequently asked questions is “What does unconditional commitment mean?” when talking about Humans?

Never Too Late (NTL) is a community of people who believe that everyone has the right to belong with people who love and value them unconditionally throughout their life.

"Human" is the term Never Too Late (NTL) uses for the role of caregiver/parent. Regardless of the words used, Humans are the unpaid, lifelong, safe, unconditional supportive connections.

We get a lot of wonderings and curiosity about what "unconditional commitment/support" entails.

“Relationships are hard and sometimes things get heated and complicated, and the urge may be to back away and disappear. For our Humans, this is not an option.” – Charlene, Lived Expert Coordinator [Exploring Unconditional Commitment Blog]

What are the "conditions" we're talking about when we say Unconditional Commitment at Never Too Late (NTL)?

For our Humans this means that relationship to a Living Expert(s) is not conditional on…

  • Paid support people play an important role in the lives of Living Experts, but their time comes with implicit limits when it's a job. If the relationship ends with the pay cheque or job change, it's conditional. Paid relationships are already a significant part of a Living Expert's life.

  • This relationship does not have an expiry date based on age or stage of life for the Lived Expert or the Human. These are not temporary relationships, Humans are in it for a reason, not a season.

  • This relationship is not a "volunteer gig", so there should not be limits such as only giving a few hours a week or only "doing this" on certain days. You may have to set time limits for specific engagements based on your schedule or certain needs ("I have 30 minutes to grab a coffee together"), but there cannot be overall limits on the relationship.

  • We may have affinities that bring us together, but Humans should not expect Lived Experts to have or to conform to a certain identity, status or affiliation. Humans are expected to honour and engage in all aspects of a Living Expert’s identity as it is at the time of connection, and as it changes and evolves over time.

  • For many reasons, Living Experts may become unresponsive or "disappear", being able to continue showing up in the face of rejection is an important skill for Humans.

  • At the beginning of all permanency journeys is profound loss. Living Experts may or may not feel/express gratitude in different moments or at different times and there is nothing wrong with that, but we cannot expect it. Humans are encouraged to reflect on and dismantle expectations of gratitude as they learn more about the impacts of trauma and loss.

  • We may want things for our Living Experts that we feel they would benefit from. Ultimately what is most helpful is if the Human can come alongside Living Experts in their ideas of self-defined success and learn to praise efforts over outcomes.

  • A common belief about Living Experts is that they have "no one else". Relationships to paid support people, past caregivers and community members and original family members are often more complicated than that. It's important for Humans to see themselves as joining the eco-system of relationships that the Living Expert already has. It is also important for Humans to address personal insecurities of other supports or caregivers as being a "threat" to the Human's relationship to the Living Expert.

  • Health status is not static, which means the health status of you and your Living Expert will change over time. We cannot form relationships based on assumptions that health and identity are static, because when these things change the relationship will be at risk. There are also many examples of late diagnosis for conditions that may not be known at the time a connection is made. Changes in life may mean changes in relationships but should never lead to the Human ending the relationship.

  • Big life changes are always challenging, yet they are often inevitable. You may want to wait on making a connection to a Living Expert if you are going through change, but changes in a Human's life cannot lead to ending a relationship. Changes in life may mean changes in relationships but should never lead to the Human ending the relationship.

When we feel what is being asked of us is unfair, or if it triggers an unmet childhood need or some sense of shame for not being able to provide, sometimes we get mad at the person making the request. Of course, just because someone ASKS you to take them to Disneyland or you have been able to take them in the past, doesn't mean you have the resources to take them today.

While the ask never makes a Human end the relationship, it's important for Humans to set and maintain boundaries to feel good about our yes's and our no's.

Conditions vs. boundaries

“Having had to change support people, sometimes dozens of times, can leave young people feeling quite vulnerable and not worthy of continued support. The task of constantly navigating new connections that come in and out of their our lives is daunting and often results in challenges with relating to others and letting them in.” – Charlene, Lived Expert Coordinator [Exploring Unconditional Commitment Blog]

When we put conditions on relationships, we're saying that the relationship or the person needs to be a certain way for us to stay in it or to provide our support. Like many things in life, we learn about conditions and boundaries from our life experiences and formative relationships to caregivers. Now may be a good time to reflect on what life has taught you about conditions and boundaries in relationships.

Boundaries are self-imposed limits or rules that help us say yes and no based on an understanding of our current resources. They require self-reflection, and an intimate understanding of the self. Boundaries are often focused on maintaining emotional, mental and physical well-being.

While not everyone in our lives will cross our boundaries, generally boundaries apply to everyone in our lives because they are about the self, not about specific people in our lives.

It’s important to acknowledge that both Humans and Living Experts will have boundaries, even if they are unrealized or undefined. Having regular open and mutual conversations about boundaries can be an excellent way of establishing and maintaining trust in the relationship (or any relationship, and it’s never too late to start).

What boundaries ARE NOT.

It is important to understand what boundaries are NOT. Boundaries are NOT about

  • controlling the behaviour of others

  • punishing or getting back at someone

  • creating distance

If a boundary is crossing these lines, it may be a condition! If you find yourself crossing that line, that's okay. We're all learning together. Take a step back, reflect and readjust.

Boundaries have been found to improve relationships, health and self-esteem. So how do we set and maintain boundaries?

Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

“While building relationships, placing boundaries is not always so straightforward. Having the capacity to place boundaries is something that comes with practice and care.” – Charlene, Lived Expert Coordinator [Exploring Unconditional Commitment Blog]

There is no one right way to set and maintain boundaries. We encourage you to explore what works for you and experiment with what works in your relationships. Practice makes progress, if you have the opportunity to start practicing boundary setting in your current relationships it can be a great place to start while waiting to make a connection to a Living Expert.

Living Expert Wendy Hayes, who often does education and training at Never Too Late (NTL) recommends some of the following tips:

  • Identify and sit with feelings of discomfort. Bitterness, guilt and obligation can be followed to deeper understanding of self.

  • Reflect on where those feelings are coming from and what changes might make you feel better. Which of these changes are in your sphere of control?

  • Find the middle ground between yes and no. What are your options? Find your CANs and your CANNOTs.

  • Define your boundary - what are YOU going to change or do differently?

  • Check in: is this boundary about controlling an outcome or someone else's behaviour? Is it a condition?

  • Communicate your boundary in the simplest language possible, this can make it easier to understand.

  • Don't expect instant change: provider reminders about and maintain your boundary. This can be difficult if the response to setting our boundaries is difficult.

  • Be as consistent as possible.

Boundaries need to be applied to our yes's as much as our no's. Sometimes when we are excited or doing something new, we feel motivated to give or do certain things beyond our normal capacity. This might include things like "going big" for special events. We suggest going slow and remaining as consistent as possible, especially as it relates to finite resources such as finances. It can be beneficial to have proactive conversations about when boundaries change with time or circumstances.

Feelings of bitterness can be an important cue that we are giving beyond our boundaries and that we need to rethink our "yes" boundaries.

Summary

It's common to wonder about what our limits are and what we're being asked to "accept" as we embark on permanency journeys. When we say behaviour is information, we are calling on an understanding of the complexity of human life that contributes to how we all respond to certain scenarios or triggers.

All of our offerings for Humans are aimed at supporting you in navigating difficult (yet often common) challenges that come with permanency relationships. We know that you can't do this alone.

Training for Humans is an 8-week program that begins to unpack why Never Too Late (NTL) focuses on unconditional commitment, as well as how trauma impacts permanency relationships. Participants leave with a deeper understanding of themselves as well as practical strategies for connection, self-regulation and navigating the challenges of permanency journeys. You can learn more about Training for Humans and its upcoming offerings here. If there are no upcoming Trainings, you can also learn more about our Readiness Process.

It's okay to still have questions and uncertainties. We would love to connect with you to learn more about your interest in Never Too Late (NTL) supports and resources.

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Sources & Resources

Please note that some literature on boundaries talks about ending relationships. For the purposes of the Human-Living Expert relationship, Never Too Late (NTL) views boundaries exclusively as ways to navigate maintaining relationships through difficult times.