Exploring Unconditional Commitment with Charlene April, Lived Expert Coordinator
Never Too Late (NTL) is a unique organization that highlights the importance of having crucial people in our lives that are not paid to be there and never walk away. Never walking away – emotionally or physically - from a Living Expert is the essence of unconditional commitment. Young people who come from the system have usually only had those who are paid to be there for a certain length of time and until a certain age. At Never Too Late (NTL) we believe they deserve relationships that have no boundaries on time or age. Within the relationships that we encourage and facilitate, we also know that appropriate boundaries can and should be negotiated within those relationships.
Sometimes relationships and conversations are hard to have when connecting with other people. What this means is that even though things may get tough and you do not completely agree with another person, you do not leave the conversation or relationship and walk away. You take a break to cool down if a conversation or situation gets too intense or heated, and the important part is that you always come back. You stick it out, through thick and thin, which is the basis of the unconditional promises we strive to achieve within our organization.
Young people who come from the child welfare system especially need unconditional commitment that does not expire with age or time.
Having to change support people, sometimes dozens of times, can leave young people feeling quite vulnerable and not worthy of continued support. The task of constantly navigating new connections that come in and out of our lives is daunting and often results in challenges with relating to others and letting them in. Relationships are hard and sometimes things get heated and complicated, and the urge may be to back away and disappear. For our Humans, this is not an option. Never Too Late (NTL) has support in place to not only help navigate one's own difficult feelings but help to understand the challenges of building a relationship where trust is paramount. What is of utmost importance is that Humans always come back to the conversation and to the relationship no matter how demanding a situation may be.
While we place no restrictions on time or age, that does not mean the relationships we support exist without boundaries.
While building relationships, placing boundaries is not always so straightforward. Having the capacity to place boundaries is something that comes with practice and care. It does not mean that when a difficult discussion is hard that you ignore the conversation that took place because it is hard to cope with. It means that you build the connection by doing something, like taking a break and admitting that you are having trouble dealing with what is at hand and that you need a particular amount of space before coming back to complete the conversation. The important thing there is that you always come back. For example, you could say “I’m having trouble coping with this subject right now, can we take a break and discuss this again in an hour, or tomorrow please?” This gives Lived Experts a boundary to not continue discussion in that moment but the comfort in knowing that they are not to be ignored, and their needs are not cast aside.
Hard conversations can feel challenging when you are so invested in creating a connection with an important person. Wanting everyone involved to feel heard is critical. One way to do this is to start your sentences with “I” as opposed to saying “You.” Such as, “I am having trouble with this conversation” instead of saying “You are making this conversation hard.” It puts the onus on you and does not shift any blame to the person you are communicating with. When you are responded to, the best practice is to mirror back what you have understood, without any judgement, so that the person feels that they have been heard and are given the opportunity to say more or clarify anything that you may have misunderstood. That is what people need during conflicts, to feel heard and understood. Once you have said all your “I” statements and you as the Human have mirrored what your Lived Expert has said to you, then you can work together to come to a resolution that is mutually beneficial, as opposed to one-sided. Your Lived Expert may not use “I” statements or mirroring the way you’d like them to and that is ok; it is a skill that is learned with practice and time and used only when they feel safe, comfortable, and understood. If you model the appropriate techniques and maintain an air of nonjudgment, you may find they pick up these skills more easily and reflect them back towards you.
In closing, Never Too Late (NTL) is built on the belief that everyone deserves people in their lives who are not paid to be there and who never walk away.
For those who have grown up in the system, this kind of unconditional commitment is especially vital, as many of their past connections were tied to timelines, contracts, or age limits. While we place no boundaries on time or age, we do recognize the importance of healthy boundaries within relationships. We know that conversations and connections can sometimes be difficult, but challenges are not a reason to abandon one another. Instead, we take breaks when needed, then return with the intent to work through differences. This dedication to showing up, time and time again, reflects the heart of our mission: to create lasting, unconditional relationships that endure through both the struggles and the triumphs. Because lasting support is not measured by a paycheck, it is measured by keeping the promise to always be there.
Some people come into your life for a season; our Humans commit to staying for a lifetime.
One of our most frequently asked questions is “What does Never Too Late (NTL) mean by unconditional commitment?” This article was written by Charlene April, a Living Expert of the child welfare system, to support the creation of Never Too Late (NTL) messaging on Unconditional Commitment. Read more about what unconditional commitment means for Humans at Never Too Late (NTL).