What Living Experts Want Service Providers to Know Panel
Summary
Our Service Provider Education session, which took place on February 26, 2026, featured three members of the Never Too Late (NTL) community: Charlene April, coordinator for the Lived Expert community; Mary Scott, a Lived Expert Specialist; and Wendy Hayes, Lead for Data, Communications and Partnerships. Wendy moderated the discussion which focused on what the panelists found helpful with service providers they encountered during their interactions with the child welfare system; and what could have been different. Panelists were also asked to reflect on discussions their workers had (or did not have) about permanency.
Key Takeaways
Helpful:
Consistency, care, paying attention to your rights: showing up regularly for meetings; sending cards and messages even after they’re no longer your worker; asking what you wanted and really listening to your wishes; advocating for your rights; collecting mementos (pictures, articles) relevant to your life.
Being real; showing emotions; showing a sense of humour; being honest / authentic about situations workers have no choice over.
Being genuinely interested in you as a person; asking about your interests; wanting to get to really know you as a person. For example, asking about the poetry you write.
Not helpful:
Going to fast food restaurants all the time; getting receipts in front of you for meals or snacks. Can make you feel like you are not good enough.
Asking questions that involve big decisions when you are too young or too scared to properly answer.
Having a “one and done” type of discussion about big topics like permanency, not re-visiting complex topics.
Receiving messages that you are doing well and therefore you don’t need as much attention as other young people on their caseload. Being told you are a “success story” but not getting acknowledgement about how hard it can be (the emotional toll of “success”). Feeling invisible because no one is recognizing how much support you actually need.
Not showing enough curiosity to dig deeper into more difficult topics, to ask follow up / probing questions. Having those questions asked might have led workers to realize that more support was needed.
Having to tell your story over and over again, for example to therapists.
Workers not tuning in to how alone you might feel, for example, feeling like you are the only person in foster care at school when that is probably not the case.
What workers might fail to appreciate about you:
How hard it is to be faced with making big decisions. Would have been good to have discussion about more than one or two options like going home or staying in the foster placement– need to ask more probing questions.
Workers not appreciating how much you actually do know or understand.
Workers not understanding how hard it would be to be honest to therapists about home life – this would mean you might not go home.
Regarding permanency / was adoption brought up:
Permanency means unconditional, unpaid, lifelong commitment; stability, reliability and honesty; a sense of belonging.
Being asked if you want to be adopted, and if the answer is no, the discussion is never re-visited.
Being considered “too old” for permanency. Not given the opportunity to even have the conversation can make you feel you are not worthy of being part of someone’s family. It’s still good to ask the question even if the answer is always “no”.
Adoption being equated with loss.
Fear of “making waves” with a caregiver if you talked about the subject.
What should Service Providers look for in Humans?
People who actively choose someone who is older, rather than it being a last resort; people who have not become exhausted by the system.
People who can recognize that a Lived Expert will have changing needs and identities; that you cannot pick and choose what you want in a Lived Expert.
Humans need to have space and time in their lives to have a permanency connection with a Lived Expert. Just because they’re older, it doesn’t mean they can or should be independent. The relationship will need as much as what you’d give to a baby.
You have to accept all the ups and downs, rather than trying to have a child who fits into their lifestyle. Humans have to be very deeply reflective and should learn about the 7 Core issues / themes of permanency.
How to amplify connection:
Lived Experts are well versed in rejection, they experience so much of it in the system. You have to show Lived Experts that they are worthy of connection.
Important to keep reaching out, keep re-visiting questions. Add more options for them to consider. Lived Experts are often in survival mode all the time so they may not think about all the possible options or choices.
Take a harm reduction approach to relationships - “How do I make this suck less”.
Keeping in mind that Lived Experts may feel rejected by people they were once connected to, who have not kept in touch. If the system was involved in disrupting that connection, workers have to own the responsibility for this. Service providers may have to be the container for all the mixed feelings.
Lived Experts can be empowered by service providers sharing information they have discovered about old connections, without pressuring the Lived Expert to decide whether they want to reach out.
Look at the pieces of what you can do as a service provider, to encourage relationships for the Lived Expert with people from their network.
Ideas and Activities for Your Practice:
Stay in touch even if you are no longer the service provider. Your cards, messages, and other forms of communication matter.
Be authentic as a person. Don’t be afraid to show emotion. Show your humourous side!
Be honest about the systemic issues that affect Lived Experts. Acknowledge “this sucks. What can I do to make it suck less”.
Constantly praising someone’s successes can make the Lived Expert feel invisible. Remember that the outward features of success may hide a lot of inner pain or fear. Show more curiosity. Ask questions like “I wonder how this feels for you” or make comments like “I know it can be complicated”.
To really “see” the person, show interest in the person – their hobbies, interests, the things they value or are passionate about. Move beyond the checklists and focus on what makes them the person they are.
Keep having conversations about hard topics even if the Lived Expert doesn’t want to engage in those topics (like permanency). Remember that bringing up the subject allows them to feel that they are worthy of these considerations and gives them the opportunity to exercise their sense of autonomy by saying “no”.
Be a role model: Show the Lived Expert what you are feeling; how you are willing to stand up to the system (break some rules!); show them how you show up for them and for other people in your life, and how you value relationships.
When you are talking with potential Humans / caregivers / families – remind them that the child or youth they are considering now will change and evolve, as all people do. Remind potential Humans that they don’t get to choose qualities or traits in a “homegrown” child. Try to have potential Humans learn about the 7 Core Issues to prepare themselves for the realities of permanency connections.
Consider taking a Lived Expert to a “nicer” place for a meal or snack rather than the fast food variety. Or consider purchasing a gift card so they can buy their own meal, rather than having to stand beside you and watch you pay and get receipts. Consider getting an app on your phone so you can pre-order meals / snacks for the Lived Expert during your time with them, so they do not have to see receipts.