Mistakes Are How We Learn - October 2026
Summary
In the overlapping role of being a Service Provider and Human to Lived Experts of the child welfare system, we can sometimes find ourselves overwhelmed by a sense of guilt or shame for having messed up. Whether it was something said in frustration, an error in judgment, or simply misreading a situation, the urgency to make a repair can weigh heavily, and hasty repairs can even cause further harm. This panel discussion offered some strategies for staying grounded, holding grace for ourselves, and finding the lessons and learnings that follow the mistakes we are bound to make in either role.
Soundbites & Takeaways We Loved!
We all make mistakes - what's important is building skills around the work of repair.
Becoming a Human can be very humbling, especially when transitioning roles from being a Service Provider to being a Human in our relationships with Lived Experts.
All panelists expressed how easy it can feel to give guidance to others in their professional roles, and how much more complex it is to be navigating the challenges in the moment.
It can prompt feelings of shame to see our Lived Experts struggling, because it feels like a reflection on the Human as being a bad parent.
Grieving the hopes and expectations we had about what our parenting or family may look like is an important part of moving towards acceptance of what is and accepting our Lived Experts for who they are.
Modelling the skills we want our Lived Experts to have is an important part of being a Human. One panelist shared the power of apologizing to her son for the first time, it showed him that it's okay to make mistakes.
When we know better, we can do better. As being a Human is a lifelong journey, this may mean grieving the mistakes we made before knowing better.
Grieving is a lifelong process, especially for those whose brains have been impacted by FASD and/or trauma as many of life's milestones come later than their peers or not at all.
Learning to let go of what we hoped the relationship might look like can be an important part of maintaining the relationship.
Identifying when to repair and when to move on can be tricky, sometimes it's okay to let things go rather than looping back.
It's important to reaffirm the relationship after big arguments or blow-ups. It can be as simple as saying, "It's okay that you're upset. I am not going anywhere."
Depending on what works for you and your relationship - it's okay to text. It can help people take time before responding or be less charged than being in the same physical space.
There can be significant gaps in how Lived Experts are perceived by others and what's going on internally. One example is being able to speak and articulate at an advanced level, while processing and comprehension are at a different level. This can lead to the people around our Lived Experts expecting them to be able to behave in a certain way in all situations and scenarios when they cannot. This can be especially challenging when law enforcement may be present in a situation.
Strategies for staying grounded in moments of distress:
A code word or phrase can be a tool that a conversation has become too much. Even better if that code or word is based on an inside joke! One panelist's code phrase is "I like chicken" (an inside joke).
Repeating mantras in moments of distress to prevent reacting, one panelist sings the "Let it Go" song in their head.
Having a support system of people who will get it and not judge your Lived Experts or you as the Human.
Describing needs in a strengths-based way (rather than a deficit-based way) set the tone for professionals and service providers to be more cooperative and less likely to place blame on the Lived Experts
Don't rush the repair, you have time, do it after you have been able to re-regulate and think through your options.
Even with all the strategies, it's still super hard to stay grounded. We need to give ourselves grace.
