Being a Human When You are a Service Provider
Summary
“They made a connection with me and allowed me to travel on their journey”.
“The journey is the reward”.
The above quotes came out of a discussion with a small panel of Service Providers who have become Humans to one or more Living Experts of child welfare. More specifically, they have transitioned from having a professional role with the Living Expert to having a personal, supportive, and enduring connection. The relationships are ongoing, some of them for upwards of 20+ years. The panel discussion was moderated by Kim Stevens, an adoption professional who is herself an adoptive parent and a Human.
Panelists spoke of the variety of ways they show up for the Lived Experts in their lives, including: regularly checking in by text or phone; accompanying to appointments; attending significant events and celebrations (e.g. graduation); going out for meals; assisting with practical tasks. In one instance, it involved providing a temporary living situation.
Panelists noted that the relationships are ever-evolving and not easily defined by a label. Sometimes the Service Providers are viewed as a “mom” or a “dad”. The unifying feature in all the relationships is the fact that the Lived Experts are the guiding force. As one panelist noted, it’s as if the Lived Expert chose to “adopt” the Service Provider.
Key Takeaways
Transitioning from the professional to the personal- challenges and considerations:
Co-workers / other professionals are not always supportive; expressing doubts or questioning the need for such connections.
Placement services for the Lived Experts sometimes impose barriers, requiring Service Providers to be extra creative and determined in how they can connect.
Sometimes workplaces restrict such contacts through internal policies. Others have no formal policies and appear to tolerate these connections. The inability to be transparent with one’s workplace about these significant connections can add a lot of unnecessary stress.
The frustration of seeing many child welfare organizations give mixed messaging to Lived Experts, on the one hand assuming a parental / custodial role while they are in care, but having policies which effectively seek to sever important connections with Service Providers, once the Lived Expert is exited from care.
Self-doubts – wondering “Am I too much? Am I forcing this connection?”
The passage of time and open communication can go a long way in making the connection more natural and allowing it to grow.
Boundary setting requires some extra thought, especially when it comes to financial considerations (for example, being asked to co-sign a loan). Panelists mentioned worrying about how their boundary setting might be received, for example if it might feel like a rejection to the Lived Expert.
Could be helpful if there were training around safety considerations for Service
Providers (related to the optics or how others might perceive the connection if there are gender differences between the Service Provider and the Lived Expert).
Helpful Supports
Trusted colleagues in the field.
Workplaces can be supportive – supervisors / other management being aware; workplaces that already have programs that promote outside social and recreational supports for young people.
Supports through Never Too Late (NTL) - training, education sessions.
Support and acceptance from partners, family, and friends.
Other professionals who could act as role models / mentors.
Training provided through being an adoptive parent.
Internal reflecting.
The Lived Experts themselves are a big support – by providing feedback, voicing their wishes for the contact, providing validation for the connection to continue.
Biggest Joys – the list is long!
Seeing the Lived Expert flourish, moving beyond survival and challenges
Being part of the journey, being allowed to be part of their lives
Seeing the highs and lows, and being witness to their “resilience” (also knowns as survival skills)
Learning from the Lived Experts
Being their cheerleader
Knowing / observing the impact of one’s connection and commitment
No time pressures like when you are the worker! The joy of just sitting and being with them. Not having an agenda, instead being able to walk through situations with them.
Seeing the Lived Experts participate in family gatherings, doing simple routines like cooking together.
Witnessing someone’s internal growth.
Knowing their history, being able to process events from the past because of having been there during times of crisis / change.
Having the privilege of meeting needs and being there in the moment of need
Being able in to see individuals persevere through hard times, sometimes re-connect with significant others from the past
Witnessing new connections being made (e.g. with Service Providers’ own family and social circles).
Biggest Learnings
Learning to trust oneself, one’s gut
Learning that if the right questions are asked, the Lived Experts will be able to guide you in what they need
Having the opportunity to find out what’s “cool” in the world
Lived Experts have helped Service Providers think outside of the box, and to look for other, non-traditional or unconventional ways of getting things done
Recognizing that the system almost always gets it wrong when it comes to Lived Experts of child welfare. Instead, traveling together on their journey, being there for them, being guided by them, is the way to go.
Advice for Other Service Providers:
In many ways, the system is “rigged” against the Lived Expert so if you have a chance to be part of their healing journey, why not?
It is a serious consideration (becoming a Human) so it has to feel right. You have to know yourself. This is about a non-transactional, lifelong journey
Be clear about your motivation. If you want to be there for the Lived Expert for the rest of your life, then it’s a “yes”. But if the motivation is that you’re flattered or that no-one else is going to be there (a sense of obligation) then re-consider.
You have to recognize your own capacity. There are no half-measures when it comes to being a Human