Coaching for Effective Relationships - January 2026
Summary
People who have been impacted by trauma, prenatal exposure to substances, or other challenges resulting in a traumatic brain injury understand and respond to the world around them in unique ways.
Barb Clark’s session on took a coaching approach, designed to provide practical strategies, emotional support, and real-life tools you can use right away. Participants were encouraged to bring their questions and current challenges, creating a collaborative space to troubleshoot together and learn brain-based approaches that reduce stress in relationships.
Soundbites & Takeaways We Loved!
Continuous learning is an important piece of being a Human, it can be helpful to identify how you learn most effectively and focus on those tools (ex. reading, listening, in-person, virtual etc.)
Shared understanding of key topics related to permanency (ex. trauma, specific diagnosis, etc.) can be a buffer against disagreements between caregivers on how to respond to certain scenarios
Moments of distress and dysregulation block learning and logical thinking, which can mean reasoning with someone in these moments will not be as effective. Focus on maintaining connection and coming back together to reflect on distressing moments during more regulated moments.
Even when intentions are good, pointing out what might be considered "logical" or "common sense" can (and likely will) trigger shame. The trick is finding ways to do it that won't make our Living Experts feel dumb.
Try to ask questions in a direct way, not in way that is leading. It can be helpful to reflect on if you expect a certain response as this may be something your Lived Expert picks up on (or they may misread what answer they think you are looking for and adjust what they say to meet that expectation).
Self-esteem is deeply impacted by trauma, FASD and life experiences, which is an important reason to prioritize connection over correction (which can trigger shame regardless of our intent).
The facilitator, Barb and some participants shared that even with many years of experience, the dance of how to interact and support without triggering shame is one that always involves missteps and practice. Do not expect perfection, do practice repair.
Practice curiosity before offering solutions, ideas, or strategies. This can be a helpful approach in patterns where offering our opinion or ideas (even when we are expressly asked for it) can lead to arguments.
It can be frustrating when we are asked for our advice and that advice is not received well. It can be helpful to reframe; the fact that we are being asked for our advice at all is the win. Can we practice letting go of the expectation that when we give advice that is asked for, this advice will be followed.
Ensure that Lived Experts want the support strategies we are offering and be flexible when those strategies need to change.
Developmentally, those with FASD may be more likely to demonstrate skills and growth that are usually anticipated in the 20s later in their 30s. Patience and reevaluation our expectations as caregivers are an important part of support.
Practice acknowledging and sitting with difficult emotions rather than moving immediately into fixing or offering solutions. When ready to move to problem solving, find ways to offer that and do it in a way that is collaborative such as "do you want to problem solve this together?"
Actionable Ideas & Activities
Use a type of "anchor item" that you can both have to represent your connection. Barb shared the story of a family where the caregivers were away. Both the caregivers and the daughter had a little Lego figurine, and they used it to pose in pictures and message each about what was going on in their lives. It was a fun way to stay connected.
Use a mantra to help you remain calm and reduce reactivity in moments of distress. It's helpful if the mantra can be something that bring you joy or is silly. Repeat the mantra in your head over and over to maintain your own calmness and disrupt dysregulation in yourself.
Trying sending mail (something small and thoughtful) to your Living Experts, especially when you do not live in proximity to each other.
Live far apart from each other? Try doing activities typically done together in person virtually or on the phone:
Cook and enjoy the same meal together over Zoom
Watch shows and movies together over Zoom
Play online games together
Resources Mentioned:
Regulated & Relational Podcast by the Attachment Trauma Network
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children With Severe Behaviors, book by Heather T. Forbes
Reclaim Compassion: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Overcoming Blocked Care with Neuroscience and Faith, book by Lisa C Qualls and Melissa Corkum.
We trust our community to explore the resources we share in a way that makes sense for your own experiences. If you have any questions about a resource we share, feel free to reach out to hello@nevertoolatentl.ca.
