Often when people think of welcoming a Lived Expert into their lives, something they really look forward to is celebrating the holidays together. Some people have thought about what that may be like for decades before they are connected to a youth and as a result may have some expectations about how things will be. While those expectations can come from such a good place of wanting to include the Lived Expert and being so proud to have them as part of their family, those expectations can also lead to feelings of not being understood, or expectations that just may not be fair or realistic to a Lived Expert's life experience.

As we welcome older young people into our lives, the reality is they've navigated decades of holidays before connecting with us and will have their very own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Holidays can be triggering and complicated for anyone, but especially when they have included 'celebrations' without key people in your life, moves, feeling excluded or the myriad of other experiences Lived Experts have had to navigate. Imagine suddenly having all the people, sites, smells, 'traditions' and sounds be different to what is familiar - that's something Lived Experts have had to navigate for many holidays. Similarly, many Lived Experts may have connections to different days and celebrations than the people they lived in child welfare with and have spent years cut off from their community, religion, beliefs and special days.

Our community of Humans have learned from our Lived Experts there are some important considerations and supports that we need to think about and plan events in mind. These include:

• Having open communication with your Lived Expert making it clear there's no pressure to simply fit into how you've celebrated holidays in the past, nor any pressure to be part of anything that doesn't feel safe or comfortable for them, and that you won't be disappointed in whatever they chose. 

• Acknowledging that we as Humans are willing to shift and change things, as well as build in new ideas and ways to celebrate with the Lived Expert's needs & feelings in mind. 

• Let the Lived Expert identify who it is important for them to spend time with during the holidays. Maybe they've always spent it with friends who became chosen family. Perhaps they've wanted to experience having a holiday meal with a sibling and that hasn't been possible for a long time. 

• Letting the Lived Experts share what they want the holidays to look like, even if drastically different to how you usually spend them. 

• Build a plan together for what those days may look like, but also normalize it's okay to change things if they aren't working. 

• Think about time commitments - maybe 10 hours at Uncle Sam's is just too intimate and too much time in a shared space, but popping by for a short visit feels okay, followed by a movie or something that feels relaxing and good for your young person.

• Make sure that conversations with people you will be spending time with over the holidays happen before the actual day. Set expectations and boundaries with your extended family and friends. Look at what the experience of that day may feel like for your Lived Expert. Ask your Lived Expert if there's things that they want to make sure are avoided. Are there family members who may ask inappropriate questions, share jokes that are deeply hurtful or have expectations that aren't fair? Have those conversations with extended family before the day setting clear limits and expectations. For example, maybe Granny needs to know that you will only be there from 2-4 pm and by knowing that in advance she isn't constantly asking why on the day. 

• Think about what may happen at events and whether your young person will feel included or excluded - is there a gift exchange and are they part of that, is there a 'cousin' tradition that they may feel they aren't part of or don't fit into.

• Perhaps you don't have any special gatherings and feel as a result you aren't giving your young person something they may want to be part of. What could you come up with together to do instead? A friend's meal, special outing or mini trip? A movie night, baking session or hike? Maybe spending the days learning a new skill together. All of those things help build connection and aren't reliant on other people showing up. 

• Look for alternatives that increase pleasure and decrease distress - for some families that's mini golfing instead of a traditional Thanksgiving meal, for others it may be a hot chocolate 'crawl' in the local community meeting various people along the way instead of a big sit-down meal with a large group of extended family. There is no one size fits all! 

• Make space for rest in between things that may be more emotionally exhausting. Perhaps instead of back-to-back events, you find a day or two rest in between. 

• Open your home to people that matter to your Lived Expert and if that doesn't yet feel okay for your Lived Expert to have everyone in the same space, then help facilitate those connections. Maybe that means paying for a meal for them & their original family members, maybe it's ordering something special you can all do together, or picking people up who may not have access to transportation so that they can be included. 

• Don't suppose what works this year will be what works next year or for the next holiday. Keep showing up with flexibility and understanding. 

Finally, after the holidays be open to conversations about what worked and what may need changing or shifting. Sometimes things went better than expected and sometimes there's things we can better plan for next time. Open communication without judgement helps make sure that no matter how the days are spent, they are meeting our Lived Expert's needs and that planning for the future can be done as a team - an important part of connection! 

Do you have a tip to support your young person over the holidays, or a tip to beat the winter blues that you'd like to share with our community? Feel free to click on the link below and we will share it in an upcoming weekly newsletter!